King Spider contemplating the spotlight. Art by me.
After a good five-year run, one of my favorite newsletters A-mail sent its final letter last week. In honor of it, I want to make a public discussion parroting one of my favorite discussion questions posed by its writer. How's your ambition doing?
I'm late to the party! But, hmm... These days, I definitely find myself a bit unrecognizable, in terms of ambition. My teen/college self was extremely ambitious. She thrived off setting and achieving goals. They didn't even need to be goals that I really wanted to achieve for myself, they tended to be whatever I felt would earn me the most clout. So when the world slowed down two years ago, I feel like my hardcore ambition went with it. (It kinda had to, as a coping mechanism, right? For me it did, at least.) And I'm not sure I ever got it back. I feel like my career calls for me to move to another city soon, but I don't feel as enthusiastic about a cross-country move as my younger self was. I'm puzzled, because where's the balance between being patient and being complacent? Which one am I? :/
Hi thanks for sharing! Never too late. And completely understand. I mean, what have the last two years been if not a cause for re-evaluating priorities?
That's a super fair and relatable tension you are describing between being patient and complacent. For me, Austin is my home town, and the main impetus to move after college came from the idea that moving to New York or California is the thing to do for creatives. So many of my peers were doing it and still are. Obviously in the height of the pandemic, all those concerns became secondary to everything else in the world and whatever other turmoils I personally experienced. But I think the reason I have yet to move away from Austin stems from the realization that the people I love and the community I want are already here. And baring factors outside of my control and my general disdain for how unwalkable this place is, I don't want to leave. I've had to do a lot of introspection to realize I don't want all of the super ambitious accolades that I desired a few years back. At the same time, I do still feel the tension of recognizing what those accolades can do for you in terms of providing stability and comfort, which I ostensibly do want.
Feel free to continue on this thread with me or not. But I'm curious. Do you think you want that old ambition of yours back? Thanks for thoughts either which way!
Oh you were on the absolute same page as I was, thinking that moving to NY or Cali was the right thing to do for creatives. I mean, I actually DID move to NY (mostly because that city genuinely excites me), and it was a blast, but I'm quite thankful that I gained enough perspective to keep myself from moving right back. Being in a smaller pond (Austin) allowed me to land wayyy more acting work than I ever have, but now I feel like my career is almost outgrowing the city's tiny offerings of work opportunity. But am I really ready to move on? Or is the grass just greener on the other side? Honestly, I wish I knew.
To answer your question, I do want that old ambition back. My priorities/goals/expectations are no longer the same, but I want the level of ambition back. I used to be quite fearless and innovative, always shooting for the stars in confidence. Now I'm quite prone to procrastination and distraction. But I think that the ambition is starting to spark back up. I feel like I've been stagnant for so long that I want to DO SOMETHING again.
Completely feel you on every front here. It's tricky that there is no right or wrong answer. Freeing in a way, but tricky. Thanks again for sharing your thoughts with me. Always nice to hear someone is feeling through similar dilemmas. Whether your ambition sparks highly or not, I'm excited for ya!
I'll say I've had a complicated relationship with ambition and similar concepts. In college when I more bought into America's sole cultural value of "hard work," I got so tired of reflecting on ambition in my journals that I renamed the concept of ambition and drive to "optimus prime." So when I journalled, I could write stuff like "my relationship with optimus prime is pretty good today."
When I left political public speaking behind, and the vanity a that comes with it, I eschewed a lot of my personality. Now, in the throes of my writing career, I have struggled to remember which parts of my ambition are worth preserving. Freelancing is very much a business of self-promotion. And I'm fine with that, or rather I've made my peace with it. But as I explore all the crevices of making a creative career in this country, I try to balance getting traditional institutional recognition with prestige publications and keeping pulse on internet trends and growing a personal audience. I really do like prioritizing people, instead of some abstract and ultimately meaningless ideal of success. I don't really have grand designs outside of being comfortable somehow, somewhere and being good to people. But capitalism doesn't love that for folks, and depending on the day, I'll toil a little bit or a lot, on what to do with that conflict. I'm getting carried away, but basically, the tension that has defined my writing career is always asking what level of social climbing/career advancement within various writing industries that I am okay with.
I'll leave this comment without a definitive conclusion because I don't have one myself. But yeah, would love to hear where people are at with what they value.
I'm late to the party! But, hmm... These days, I definitely find myself a bit unrecognizable, in terms of ambition. My teen/college self was extremely ambitious. She thrived off setting and achieving goals. They didn't even need to be goals that I really wanted to achieve for myself, they tended to be whatever I felt would earn me the most clout. So when the world slowed down two years ago, I feel like my hardcore ambition went with it. (It kinda had to, as a coping mechanism, right? For me it did, at least.) And I'm not sure I ever got it back. I feel like my career calls for me to move to another city soon, but I don't feel as enthusiastic about a cross-country move as my younger self was. I'm puzzled, because where's the balance between being patient and being complacent? Which one am I? :/
Hi thanks for sharing! Never too late. And completely understand. I mean, what have the last two years been if not a cause for re-evaluating priorities?
That's a super fair and relatable tension you are describing between being patient and complacent. For me, Austin is my home town, and the main impetus to move after college came from the idea that moving to New York or California is the thing to do for creatives. So many of my peers were doing it and still are. Obviously in the height of the pandemic, all those concerns became secondary to everything else in the world and whatever other turmoils I personally experienced. But I think the reason I have yet to move away from Austin stems from the realization that the people I love and the community I want are already here. And baring factors outside of my control and my general disdain for how unwalkable this place is, I don't want to leave. I've had to do a lot of introspection to realize I don't want all of the super ambitious accolades that I desired a few years back. At the same time, I do still feel the tension of recognizing what those accolades can do for you in terms of providing stability and comfort, which I ostensibly do want.
Feel free to continue on this thread with me or not. But I'm curious. Do you think you want that old ambition of yours back? Thanks for thoughts either which way!
Oh you were on the absolute same page as I was, thinking that moving to NY or Cali was the right thing to do for creatives. I mean, I actually DID move to NY (mostly because that city genuinely excites me), and it was a blast, but I'm quite thankful that I gained enough perspective to keep myself from moving right back. Being in a smaller pond (Austin) allowed me to land wayyy more acting work than I ever have, but now I feel like my career is almost outgrowing the city's tiny offerings of work opportunity. But am I really ready to move on? Or is the grass just greener on the other side? Honestly, I wish I knew.
To answer your question, I do want that old ambition back. My priorities/goals/expectations are no longer the same, but I want the level of ambition back. I used to be quite fearless and innovative, always shooting for the stars in confidence. Now I'm quite prone to procrastination and distraction. But I think that the ambition is starting to spark back up. I feel like I've been stagnant for so long that I want to DO SOMETHING again.
Completely feel you on every front here. It's tricky that there is no right or wrong answer. Freeing in a way, but tricky. Thanks again for sharing your thoughts with me. Always nice to hear someone is feeling through similar dilemmas. Whether your ambition sparks highly or not, I'm excited for ya!
All time low, i gotta say
Gotta respect that, very reasonable. <3
I'll say I've had a complicated relationship with ambition and similar concepts. In college when I more bought into America's sole cultural value of "hard work," I got so tired of reflecting on ambition in my journals that I renamed the concept of ambition and drive to "optimus prime." So when I journalled, I could write stuff like "my relationship with optimus prime is pretty good today."
When I left political public speaking behind, and the vanity a that comes with it, I eschewed a lot of my personality. Now, in the throes of my writing career, I have struggled to remember which parts of my ambition are worth preserving. Freelancing is very much a business of self-promotion. And I'm fine with that, or rather I've made my peace with it. But as I explore all the crevices of making a creative career in this country, I try to balance getting traditional institutional recognition with prestige publications and keeping pulse on internet trends and growing a personal audience. I really do like prioritizing people, instead of some abstract and ultimately meaningless ideal of success. I don't really have grand designs outside of being comfortable somehow, somewhere and being good to people. But capitalism doesn't love that for folks, and depending on the day, I'll toil a little bit or a lot, on what to do with that conflict. I'm getting carried away, but basically, the tension that has defined my writing career is always asking what level of social climbing/career advancement within various writing industries that I am okay with.
I'll leave this comment without a definitive conclusion because I don't have one myself. But yeah, would love to hear where people are at with what they value.