I can’t remember shit. The other day I made a very important confession to my partner. We were working through a serious issue. It was a long and difficult chat, so we took a pause and went into separate rooms. I, being very modern, decided it was time to open up about a private part of myself I had kept from her. I paced around for half an hour, introspecting and rehearsing my lines. I walked into her room at let my words come out in a painful crawl. She was totally silent. “Ah yes. A big mistake,” I thought. “I was smart to have kept this from her.” But, as I later learned, she was simply waiting for me to reveal new information. Apparently, I had already made this confession to her some time ago. I had forgotten, plain and simple.
We did later work through the issue. But my re-confession did nothing to help with that.
This quirk of mine, perhaps a medical issue, has also been no friend to my creative endeavors. Recently, I’ve been frustrated with my visual art. I can draw a mean chameleon or a little rat, but my ability to draw people has been the same as my ability to sing or kill. Lacking. A few days ago, however, when I stumbled upon an old sketchbook of mine, I found that the drawings of people were stunningly competent. “If only I could draw people like this,” I thought. But of course, I can. I have and I did. The proof was there in my hands.
You see, in figure drawing, you’re supposed to draw a circle and place a curved line through it to help you orient the direction of the face. Depending on the style, it’s as essential to drawing a person as knowing all the letters is to writing. I knew this once, but my guess, as an educated man, is that at some point during my learning, I experimented with skipping that step, and in time I forgot it as a thing to do. After months of creative soul-searching, I picked up my pen again, and much to my annoyance, the techniques hadn’t left me.
There are ways in which my memory is actually quite good. I can remember the names of every alien character from the show Ben 10, a children’s TV series which premiered in 2005. But lest we fall in love, or share an unforgettable summer that changes the trajectory of our lives forever, my chance of recalling the name of a real-life person is destitute.
To me, the events of a few months ago are like fingerprints on an abandoned handrail. Were my brain a hard drive, it’d be a modest 256 GB. If it were, I’d be more selective of what I stored. More thoughts of “call your grandparents,” and less trivia about boxing, a sport I don’t watch.
Was it always this way? Perhaps this flaw of mine developed during the pandemic or as a defense against some other trauma. Is this the case? I don’t know. I don’t remember.
Hey gang, welcome back for the first time since February. Thanks for sticking around. I’ve been working on pitching more stories to outside publications which has disrupted the schedule here. My sincerest apologies for the delays! Will have some more words and advice for y’all here soon. In the meantime, please check out the backlog with pieces like Push your creativity further, and Don’t describe the trashcan.
Check out Atomoon on YouTube. Watching them draw people really helped me think I could draw people. But then I tried it and realised that I still can't really draw people 🥴 https://youtube.com/@atomoon9531
i really enjoyed this newsletter! hearing you talk about memory and how it affects you made me realize that we all get frustrated with our brain. i’ve been told that i have “elephant memory” and remember random things from when i was 7 but i’m not able to recall the important things. it makes it harder to be present and connect with others, and sometimes i beat myself up for it.
but your drawing example is a good analogy on how we all can be a bit more forgiving on our memories. we’re all growing, and sometimes we forget how to draw our circles and lines the right way. and that’s okay. sometimes we choose to draw freely and explore who we are without guidelines (our memories) and maybe we should reel it in sometimes. but sometimes we don’t remember how to. that’s okay too. we’ll try to be more intentional next time and it will help us be even better artists soon.
might be reading into it too much on a friday afternoon but what a great read, jade! always proud of you :)